Posted by savvy on March 12, 2010
The day started great. Even a bad day starts well. I got to work in time, and met Moneyman at the stairs, waiting and watching as I walked across the expansive lobby that is the reception. He said when I reached the stairs:
“I like the way you walk. So confident.” I smiled and confidently walked up the stairs to the office. No sooner had I settled than the guys in the department across call me. Their printer is acting up.
Turns out NA was the last one to twinkle with it. For those not in the know, NA is the one to take me to lunch-that’s-now-a-dinner-maybe-breakfast-too. I give him a call. One of the worst calls I’ve made in recent times.
“Hi, Mr NA. Uliharibu printer yao.”
“What? What kind of language is that?” Mr. NA barks into the phone.
“Savvy, can you speak the correct language. We don’t use such words in the office. Go there, diagnose the problem, then call me back. Withdraw those words…”
And a long lecture along those lines. I was livid. This is much more than just the words, “uliharibu printer yao.”
So I found out what the problem was and called him back, this time using crisp, official language. I just wondered what was up. It’s him who brought about this nonofficial nonsense in the first place.
Anyway, he came back to the office, shamelessly eyeing me from here to Timbuktu, and then proceeded to give me a lecture on solving user problems.
Am thinking this is a power issue. He wants to make it clear who is in charge. If it’s games, we’ll play. And oh, am the one in charge. He’s the hungry one, and am the one being chased. I think I hold the Ace. I can scarcely believe am writing this.
My immediate boss is in the funeral committee of this guy who was battered to death by his wife. Irrelevant, I know. Anyway, I was taking his evening shift at work meaning I’d leave at 9pm. He’d then give me a lift home after he was through with his meeting.
As I wait for him at the security desk at the reception, the security officer on duty is one L who has been asking me to buy him lunch. I promise I’ll buy him some day. He’s busy now answering phone calls, who knew there were so many night callers?
“Place of Work, hello. May I help you?”
He also made lots of personal calls, talking for long, saying stuff like:
“You wouldn’t believe who am feeding fruits right now…” he said as he extended a plateful of assorted fruits my way.
My boss came and we left, but only managed to move for about 10 minutes before we got into the major(est) traffic jam ever! For 2 and a half hours, we were stationary for 30 min, and mobile for 30 seconds. Guys got out of their cars, and were walking up and down the road. If there was booze, we might have had a street party. This guy ahead of us goes to his booth and takes out a bottle of something fishy, and while he’s sipping, the matatu conductors get out and start making jokes about how the food will be cold by the time we got home.
Boss’ car has a TV so I watch Boston Legal. I tweet on my phone until my credit is over, and we are still not moving. AFC Leopards have just won their match against current title holder Sofapaka. I get home at midnight just in time to catch the ending of the Real Madrid Vs Lyon match and some cold supper.
Am glad the day is over. And I just became an AFC Leopards fan. Even bad days have good endings.
In other news
My intern friends..
Intern 1
Intern 2
Intern 3
Intern 4
Intern 5
These are just few among the many beautiful interns here. Now, who wants to come to my workplace?
Posted by savvy on March 10, 2010
I am not the world’s fittest person. I used to jog once in a while, back when I was in school…anyway, where I work, it has complete sports facilities. Name them, we got them. From monopoly, chess, to table tennis, squash, to gym and aerobics, to swimming pool, sauna, steam bath and jacuzzi. Never mind the latter two don’t work. Only thing missing is massage and personal arrangements can surely be made for that. 
I love swimming. This one Saturday, I was determined to swim no matter what. What this time happened to be rain..it was drizzling when I changed and dived into the pool. Not dived per se, more like jumped. It did not deter me from doing a few laps (you know, taking plenty of rests in between.) I then braced myself for the jump from the diving tower…some 3m, 5m and 8m high. The highest I could jump from was 5m. Let alone dive. But that is a story for another day.
After the pool, and since it was cold, I headed for the sauna. I met E taking a break on one of the sunbeds in the waiting room. I was still dripping wet and was thirsty, so I lay back to chill out. She made a call:
“Buy half a Kg of meat…no, wait 3/4 Kg. And some tomatoes.”
Then she looked at me smiled, and remembered something else.
“Also buy onions…and green pepper. Some coriander too..”
I was just finishing my glass of water when she called again.
“And cook ugali..for 5 people. you can cook ugali, right? Am coming…saa hizi tu.”
Then she turned to me:
“Aki sauna inachokesha.” I nodded. Then I sauntered to the sauna and lay back on the hot wooden er..lying-places. She came in and peeled away all the lesos, and stark naked gave me her life story.
I know you are supposed to dress lightly for the sauna, but stark naked! I’ve never forgotten that life story. Everytime we meet, her naked body flashes before my eyes, her life story runs through my head again, all this before we say hi and part ways.
I haven’t been back to the sauna since.
Posted by savvy on March 5, 2010
Here is something I got from a friend on Facebook..
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that
towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident..
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out..
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.. ‘I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the
turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.
They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field..
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Posted by savvy on March 3, 2010
I went to pick my payment from Moneyman. He was serving someone, so I waited. When he was through, he turned to me:
“Savvy, you could have picked it yesterday….”
“Yes, but I found a long queue here yesterday…”
“Or maybe you have a rich boyfriend?”
“No.”
“You don’t have a boyfriend?!”
“No, I don’t.”
“Are you sure? With all this beauty, you want to tell me no man touches you?”
Good to know I have ‘all this beauty’.
Laughing now…Moneyman is like that. He is very social.
“Touch what? No, I don’t have.”
“You know ladies need someone to touch them..” he turned to another perplexed intern who had been there all along, all the while gesturing to imaginary boobs.
“Either you have a rich boyfriend, or your parents are very good because you were not in a hurry to pick your money.
“Rich boyfriend? It’s hard to get a rich boyfriend my age.”
“That is why you come to us….sisi wazee. Have you heard what she has said?” He asked the even-more perplexed intern. This particular intern is very softspoken. Am sure he’s shocked by this conversation.
“You know these young ladies….they will make you leave your wife. Si ati wewe ndio umemshika, amekushika! They watch these pornographic movies and are very skilled. They know where to touch you so…you can…so you can…” he turns to the intern to complete for him the sentence.
“ feel nice?” the intern prompts. Moneyman then weighs the reply, and finding no better, shrugs and says, “ feel nice.”
“So you don’t have a boyfriend?” He turns to me again.
I don’t answer and head for the door.
“Wait…come, let me ask you a personal question.” He lowers his voice.
“Are you a virgin?”
Gosh, this man has no limits.
“what…no, I will not answer that.”
He laughs knowingly…then he tells us of this story of a girl who had lied to him that she was a virgin, until things reached a critical turn, then she sent him a text telling him, this would not be her first time. by things reaching a critical turn, I hope I know what I mean, because if you don’t, I don’t have the liberty to explain it to you like Moneyman did.
At this point, I turned the door knob and left, shaking my head in disbelief.
Posted by savvy on February 27, 2010
shower cap in mat
Posted by savvy on February 24, 2010
Where do I start? Oh yes..let’s start with interns. I heard someone gave some interns in an un-named department a telling off. More like a yelling off.
“All you do is Facebook, and entertainment sites all day!”
“And entertain men.” This is to an intern who was very friendly to an intern in another department.
“And what is between you and MoneyMan?” This was to intern 2 who was seen smiling to MoneyMan. MoneyMan is married with two children. He says fat men are disgusting (he is more of rounded to me…talk about the log in his eye), also that he can’t allow his wife to trap him to have more children. Anyway, MoneyMan flirts with everyone. Maybe except the one giving the yelling-off.
The yeller was on my case this morning: “You are not good with user support. I wish Andy was here.” Ouch! That was after I had reported a user complaining about their Ms Word. Ms Word! I could write the program. So I went anyway and solved the problem in about…10 seconds.
“You must have struggled..” Yeller quiped when I reported that all was ok. Am not having the best of days. At least the supervisor is talking to me. Yesterday he just shook his head and said, “Just go back”. That was after I came late and he had been looking for me. He did not speak to me the whole day.
Which reminds me last week, I missed a whole day of work. I was called to school, something about a scholarship. I knew no details except to be there by 8 a.m. I thought by noon, I’d be done. Anyway, it’s a long story…something about the department nominating two of it’s best performing female students (yeah!), then they had to identify those who really needed help with paying school fees this year. So to cut the story short, it was 4.30 p.m. when we were called for the interview and Oh la la! Where has he been hiding all these years? I’ve just got a new crush.
Am sure you are confused. Ok, I did not get the bursary because there were others who needed it more. So he works in the Dean’s department and he was a part of the panel of interviewers. He is tall. He is dark. He is handsome and courteous. He said we should not worry about not getting the bursary..being nominated in the first place was an honour. He said we can pursue other avenues. He said he’s always there, any problems, financial or otherwise….am thinking of developing an addiction so I can go for counselling when we open for session. He made my day.
All this talk of crushes has reminded me, this fellow intern. She has a crush on The Light One. He is tall and yes, light. And very good looking, polite and friendly too. But it’s her crush not mine.
Today isn’t over yet and still…there is one more story to tell. I really should stop this joking around, because last week I jokingly said, “lunch?” and NA took that up as an invitation. As far as it stands now, it’s become a dinner. And it’s also become a “just between you and me” affair. It’s a dangerous affair. No, he’s not married…just a little bit older. Okay, just very much older.
Posted by savvy on February 19, 2010
Recently, I got a FB message, from a classmate. He suggested we meet and catch up. I was all for the idea…I was going to reply when it occurred to me my credit was over. Safaricom reminded me of this a few minutes later: “Your balance is low again at Ksh 0.00 Please top up with Bamba 5 or request credit advance. Dial *131# now!” Well, credit advance cannot surf, and I can’t bring myself to buy Bamba 5 or 10. So I replied the following day at work.
We met up, after a flurry of messages debating on the venue. Guys refused this joint, saying it’s too cheap. We are working class people now…move on to bigger and more expensive things. You wish. This comes from an intern who is not being paid…but never mind.
View of Nairobi Streets from the 'cheap joint'
We eventually met at er..another joint where over pizza and soda, we caught up. Where are you doing your internship? How much are you being paid? What happened to those relationships you were pursuing in school? Have you heard from so and so? Where are the rest of our classmates doing their attachment?
Turns out some of us are doing attachment in places where they have no access to computers! And they call themselves computer scientists! Not that the rest of us are any better…in terms of relevance. We heard of those who wash dishes (don’t ask), those who are teaching (from 7am-6pm), those who have to make phone calls…few of us are doing jobs that are really challenging or fulfilling. Or relevant to what we are studying in school. Welcome to the real world.
There is a flip side to this though. There always is a flip side to any story, no matter how credible. If you are hoping for a lecture on the importance of gaining experience at the work place…well, it’s not what I had in mind. Just read on…things that excite an intern
i.) Automatic doors- this are those that open only with swipe of a card. You feel oh so important when you swipe the card and get swallowed up into the room, looking around at the visitors who have been made to wait to make sure they see you with the privilege of the card. This also applies to those doors that read: “I.T ONLY.”
ii.) The cleaning lady/guy: not in the way you are thinking. One of my friends had his phone also wiped clean as the lady thoroughly wiped his desk. Am thinking she has a crush on him. Even his phone? What next, tell him to take off his shirt so you can launder it? But he was excited to no end.
iii.) The tea guy/girl. Starts to feel kinda important to have someone pour your tea every day, after they have learnt how many sugars etc…not all of us have the privilege, we pour our own tea. I do know of other interns though, whose work description includes pouring tea for their bosses.
iv.) The monthly cheque. The money is quite little, that’s for sure. The highest paid intern earns 16K per month, as far as I know. But still, a cheque is a cheque. Or brand new notes. You feel like photocopying them and framing them…your first salary.
Feel free to add more…
P.S. Have the police changed their uniform?
Note the khaki coloured pants and the gumboots in January. Cop 1
On Another Day
Posted by savvy on February 16, 2010
One day I was in a matatu ….ok, this is not the way to begin this story. Am always in a matatu..it’s my daily means of transport. So on one of my daily journeys by matatu, I decided to sit in front, left. I think this is the most comfortable seat, and the one in the middle is the most uncomfortable. Am referring to the 14-seater Nissans. Not the mini-bus matatus.
Anyway, this gentleman in a suit decided to take the middle seat. He had on his religious white scarf on his head (mkorino…what’s it in English?). He carried with him a paperbag whose contents I did not know until the matatu started zig-zagging out of town. Out he took this big bottle of Yoghurt and a straw. I dont know about you, but there is just something odd about a man in a suit with yoghurt and a straw. It’s like a man in a suit chewing gum, or licking a big lollipop.
While we were nearing campus, the gentleman having sucked the life out of the bottle, he casually leaned into my face, extended his arm out of the window, and threw the bottle, the straw and the black polythene paper into the grass. I couldn’t believe it. I looked at him, hoping to see…shame? mortification? regret? But he was just casually glancing around.
There are many people who irritate me. Those who mispronounce my name. I’ve been called Sevvy..etc, the women who will take the whole sidewalk and you are in a hurry, those who call me mresh, the list is endless, but the worst are those who throw garbage anywhere.
I know I cannot save the world. And am not trying to. I just feel if everybody took responsibility for their own garbage, the world would be a cleaner place. I can’t believe I was so mad at that guy, I could not give him a lecture there and then.
Posted by savvy on February 10, 2010
I am sure everyone has had one. A walk of shame that is. The walk of shame happens the morning after. Be it down the stairs with nosy neighbours peeping through the window as you walk to your car, or the stretch between the house and the stage, and if you are in campus, the path between his/her hostel to yours.
There are many tell-tale signs that one is walkee. The hair is messed up. The clothes are rumbled. Their steps are without confidence. Their head is not held up high. After all, it’s the walk of shame. They are not proud of the previous night, otherwise they would have stayed longer instead of slinking away early in the morning.
I remember having a roommate once. She rarely slept in the room..all she did was come back to the room from her boyfriend’s room, just as our early morning alarms were about to go off. Then she would shower before going back to sleep for an hour or so.
Hall six. Appropriately nick-named Hall sex. No need to elaborate, I’ve heaved similar-praises on it previously. A path runs directly to Hall 5, also a guys’ hostel. On a random balcony of Hall 5, one has a bird’s eye view of the walkees. The question of course is, what would you be doing on a Hall 5 balcony so late/early in the night? You’ll probably be doing the walk yourself much later.
Mostly, it’s the girls who do the walk. Because boys in campus walk around rugged day and night, and sometimes do not change clothes too often so you never know…
Recently, in a bid to enhance security, it was thought necessary to install floodlights at strategic spots in the campus compound. Strategically they were placed. One, flooding light at the path where the walk of shame takes place. Previously, it was a dark secure place, and now even when you are taking a normal walk, the everyone around will notice.
The other floodlights have caused light to shine into strategic places where lovers used to be one with nature. Now even the shadows of the trees are no longer sufficient, and watchmen have been enjoying the sights and sounds of those who don’t want to get a room.
If my former roommate there now, she might consider waiting for daytime when there is busy traffic so one can blend in as you walk back to your room.
This you?
Care to share your walk of shame experience?
Posted by savvy on February 8, 2010
The couple in coast
The couple at home?
Anyone still doubting my paparazzi skills?
